Shining Brighter Than Ever

Posts tagged ‘Depression’

Depression

When your loved one tells you that something is wrong with you then he or she may be right.

My husband was damn straight with me and told that I am in depression two months after having Lily. I couldn’t tolerate him for telling such a thing about me and I would either cry or yell at him everytime he brings it up.

My mom was with me for the first two months. Then I started taking care of Lily without any help. I don’t know when the depression hit me but I was not interested to go out for dining or doing anything pleasant for myself or for my husband’s sake. One month rolled on and Lily started rolling over. Then the flat head and torticollis came in. I am now sure that I would have started having depression right at that moment.

I still remember the day when I cried alone in the sofa and my husband didnt even had any clue that I was all worried and getting into bad state. He tried consoling me but it just went downhill. I was never in a position to hear the consolation about Lily. I was trying to face it and he just didn’t understand. All I thought was that he didn’t care for me or Lily which made me sick even more. It was the time before we went for 4th month visit.

When he started giving her the exercises, I really hated myself for thinking so low about him. Whenever I saw the progress in Lily, my eyes were filled with tears. We went to India for vacation and still whenever we gathered for family events, I didn’t enjoy much let alone going out to do anything fun. I told my mom sometime about this and the reply was simple, “it will be like that when you have a baby until they turn one year”. I believed it as like all the other Indians.

Again we came back to US and this time I started worrying about Lily’s food habits. My husband analysed all my behaviors. Not going out, not laughing or smiling as I did before Lily came, not cracking jokes, crying or yelling at him for silly things often, shouting at him everytime instead of asking him to help, and never tried to contact friends or family other than my mom and in-law, never listened to songs or watch a movie, in short never tried to enjoy my life with my husband and Lily. All the laugh or smile that came from me are only because of my baby at that time. Whenever the question about mom not being pleasant for the past 2 weeks comes during the monthly visits for Lily, I always answered “No” though I know it was not the case. I read about the signs of depression which was all of the above and told me exactly what I was going through but I gave reasons that I am fine.

After all this, he tried to make me do something that I like. He started telling me to go to gym and vent it out. I couldn’t do it because of the routine I had at that time and yelled at him that he never understood how much work I have been doing.

Then he did it indirectly by getting a nike fuelband and going to gym daily. I felt like being left alone so I started waking up a little early than usual and went to gym. I felt great. But that was not enough. He took us for vacation to Hawaii and LA. I started getting my life back but still something was missing. My need for spending time for myself.

He bought me a kindle, a lovely gift. I read lots of books in short span. I started listening to my favorite songs while doing my chores, started watching comedy especially romantic comedy movies :), started to laugh and smile for my husband’s silly jokes, started to gain patience, doing origami, and blogging while Lily takes her nap, getting in touch with friends and making new friends.

Slowly I started realizing that my husband was right from the beginning that something was wrong with me. Now I know why some of the moms are so frustrated or annoyed with their husbands after having a baby. It is not that they couldn’t take care of the baby alone but they need others to care for them too and their own time for relaxation to do something that they love. I could now relate why many get into family feuds in India. The mom need lots of attention especially from their husband.

All I wanted to say is, depression is kind of disease that you will never know when you caught it and you will never accept that you are having it. You will just give some damn reasons for your bad moods. Good mood is when you stay quiet and doing nothing.

And if you think that someone is depressed, don’t ever tell them that word though they were giving it a thought. It will just make them hate you even more and yell at you. That is what happened for my husband. Thank God that he started trying indirectly to make me committed to something that I love else I wouldn’t know in what condition I will be in. If my husband had ever been angry about my rudeness, he wouldn’t have stayed in my life. But he stayed calm and strong with me, took care of me, learned and helped me come out of it. I love him more than ever.

Never ever let your loved ones down because they need you more than you can think of.

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